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For those who had difficulty understanding tonight's Presidential Address, here's a translation of selected key passages:

"Good evening. I have asked for a few minutes of your time to discuss a matter of national importance: the reform of America's immigration system."
(You people won't shut up about this, so my speechwriters came up with soothing words so you'll let Washington decide the fate of our society while you wait to see who the next American Idol will be.)

"America can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time."
(Since we're not capable of real leadership on this issue, we're going to change the rules so twice as many people can come to the country every year...legally.)

"Since I became president, we have increased funding for border security by 66 percent, and expanded the Border Patrol from about 9,000 to 12,000 agents."
(Of course, I've spent 100 times as much on Iraq, much of it not accounted for but hey, one day we'll train enough Eye-rack-ees to secure their Syrian border.)

"...in coordination with governors, up to 6,000 Guard members will be deployed to our southern border. The Border Patrol will remain in the lead. The Guard will assist the Border Patrol by operating surveillance systems, analyzing intelligence, installing fences and vehicle barriers, building patrol roads and providing training. Guard units will not be involved in direct law enforcement activities that duty will be done by the Border Patrol."
("Operation Photo Storm" will make Americans feel better, prevent governors from getting any ideas about using the Guard on their own, while providing minimum inconvenience to our neighbors to the south. After all, I promised my good amigo President Fox that all this uproar is just temporary.)

"I support a temporary worker program that would create a legal path for foreign workers to enter our country in an orderly way, for a limited period of time. This program would match willing foreign workers with willing American employers for jobs Americans are not doing."
(After all, we can't ask the millions of Americans receiving unemployment benefits to do these menial jobs...)

"America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger, or playing on anyone's fears, or exploiting the issue of immigration for political gain. We must always remember that real lives will be affected by our debates and decisions, and that every human being has dignity and value no matter what their citizenship papers say."
(...unless he/she is a traditional American patriot, that is. Anyone who opposes Washington policy on this issue can expect to be labeled a xenophobic racist and cast out of polite society. I campaigned in 2000 saying I am a uniter. I plan to unite Mexican and American societies, and since I'm not up for reelection I don't have to pretend I'm a Red Stater anymore.)