One-liners

Examples of the truth that "brevity is the soul of wit." I'd love to take the family to a Steven Wright comedy concert. (Not all of the following are from his material, however.)

- Isn't Disney World just a people trap run by a mouse?
- If it's zero degrees today and the weatherman says tomorrow will be twice as cold, how cold will it be?
- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
- Tinsel is really snake mirrors
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there...
- I can picture a world without war and hate...and I can picture us attacking it, because they'd never suspect it...
- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up, and now I don't know what to feed it...
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- I was an only child. Eventually.
- Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
- I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I saw a sign that said "compact cars..."
- I finally had my coat hangars spayed.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I put instant coffee in the microwave. Almost went back in time.